I think - of course you forgave me. We’re friends. Friends forgive. He says - No, Laura. We were not friends. But I still loved you. And without any expected response, I forgave you. And not because you understood that you were hurting me, but because I wanted you to have freedom. Whether you would use that freedom to love me back…regardless, I wanted you to be free. But no, we were not friends.
“but God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
I have these tiny moments with God, actually more like huge system overloads, when I realize that I will never really wrap my mind around his love. Because all I want to do some nights is sit there on my bed and try and figure him out. Especially the days when I think - this time I have crossed the line. This time is it. He can’t forgive me. I won’t let him - his love is still bigger. And in this strange, weird way it really bothers me. It hurts me because I realize that there is absolutely no way I could ever make it up to him. All I want to do is prove myself! And it kills me because I can’t. I will never deserve his love.
This should comfort me, but most days it doesn’t. Because again it confirms my sin: I live to impress. I seek others’ respect, attention, cooperation and admiration through deeds, work ethic, personality and appearance. But God cannot be manipulated. He cannot be impressed. And yet, his love is bigger. Without any kind of tap dance, his love covers me.
I want to understand it. I want to wrap my mind around this kind of love. But I can’t imagine - freely loving someone who wronged me - who may have no idea they ever hurt me - to give them that freedom without any expected response - to free myself from judging - and to extend not only mercy but grace. It goes against human nature: to lookout for oneself. But I believe it’s a strength God wants us to know. And though we will never be as gracious as Christ, there’s something so beautiful about the Lord rewiring our hearts to understand his love that much better—to draw us near and to say, “This is what real love looks like.”
